Upgrade This

I recently obtained a new computer. This was several years overdue, and I can finally take advantage of all the productivity-boosting new software I've been wanting to use. Now that I am so productive, it has led me to think about what upgrades I'd like to make in other aspects of my life.

For example, perhaps a new operating system would allow me to run faster. What if you could simply order an upgrade through your friendly software behemoth?

Me: I'd like to be able to run faster. What upgrade would you recommend?

Microsoft: Our latest operating system, Vista Ultimatum.

Me: Ok. What are the system requirements?

Microsoft: The minimum requirements are your undying allegiance to our brand, any children you have conceived, and any monetary gain your running produces. Of course you are just licensing this software, so any PRs you set are property of Microsoft.

Me: That seems like a bit much.

Microsoft: We are happy to disable all features and return you to your previous state.

Me: Okay, okay, let's do the upgrade.

Microsoft: Please close all existing applications, including logic, aesthetics and common sense.

Me: No problem!

Microsoft: There may be some stability issues, but rest assured, they will be dealt with as they arise.

Me: Bring on the speed!

[Twenty minutes later]

Microsoft: Your upgrade is complete. Please sign in and create a password.

Me: Okay. ******

Microsoft: Welcome to Vista Ultimatum! Our command is your wish. You will notice many new features on your new home page. What would you like to do?

Me: Run faster!

Microsoft: That feature is not include in the original installation. Would you like us to add it now?

Me: That was the whole point of the upgrade. Yes, add it now.

Microsoft: Please stop moving while we make the upgrade. This will take three hours.

Me: What the he@@!

Microsoft: You moved. We have to start over.

Me: Okay. I'll stop moving.

[Three hours later]

Microsoft: That feature is now available. Would you like to use it?

Me: Yes!

Microsoft: Your new speed is available. Please note that when using your speed, other aspects of the operating system may not function at optimal levels.

Me: Uh, such as?

Microsoft: Breathing and heart functions will be elevated. Libido will be dropped. And vision may be blurred.

Me: I guess that's okay. Anything else?

Microsoft: Due to the age of your hardware, you may experience some interruptions when accessing this feature.

Me: That doesn't sound good...

Microsoft: Such interruptions are generally refreshed by the sleep mode.

Me: Okay. Let's give it a try.

Microsoft: ERROR. Your hardware is incompatible with this new feature. Please upgrade to new hardware.

Me: Sorry, this is all I've got.

Microsoft: We are happy to disable all features and return you to your previous state.

Me: But I paid for an upgrade!

Microsoft: SYSTEM CRASH. Please reinstall Vista Ultimatum.

Me: I wonder if it's too late to get a Mac...

Microsoft: Of course it's too late. That was predetermined at birth. Would you like to reinstall Window Ultimatum?

Me: (sigh) Okay.

Microsoft: Please close all existing applications...